Learning to Trot

On June 27th, we became the last of the hummingbirds to leave our nest in "Hummingbird Heaven". We followed the brave examples set by Dangily, Edgy, Ryan, and Austin, spread our wings, and launched ourselves from our nest in Palmdale, CA. Brayden and I took to the skies (ok...so we had a little help from Southwest Airlines), heading for our own little nest in Superior, Colorado.

The first few weeks of our new life mirrored the early weeks of our previous life, with a puddle of tears and a feeling of helplessness. We had not even begun the process of learning how to crawl, much less rejoin the sprint of every day life. Our little nest in "Hummingbird Heaven" was the perfect place to shield us from life's challenges as Brayden and I together learned once again how to crawl.

Now, as we left our nest and headed home to Colorado, we had mastered the crawl and felt confident in our ability to stand on our own two feet and face the daunting challenge of learning how to walk. As it turns out, learning to walk the second time is just as easy as the first. You simply need someone you love and trust to hold your hand, keep you steady, and help you overcome those first wobbly jitters.

We had no shortage of people to hold our hands as we began to walk on our own. Starting with my brother picking us up at the airport upon our arrival back in Denver and Tammy returning from visiting her family in Florida, we had friends and family reaching out to help us walk. We had play dates, sleepovers, swimming days, baseball games, and just a bevy of activities at our fingertips. Learning to walk again was easy with so many people offering to help.

Yet, even as we once again learned to walk on our own two feet and meet the challenges of the world without Tracell's love and support, we have had so many reminders of her presence. Every time a butterfly floats by, Brayden will call out, "Daddy...a butterfly...".

I will respond, "Mommy is watching...".

The butterflies are a bit duplicitous in their effect on Brayden. He has a moment of happiness and smiling, followed by a brief respite of sadness where he thinks about missing mommy. She is always present in his mind if not in his words. As a father, I want to reach out and make it better for him, yet it is the one thing in life I cannot put a band-aid over and make the hurt go away. All I can do is offer my arms, kisses, and love as he works through his feelings.

One activity that was organized upon our return to Colorad was a horseback ride. One of Brayden's Kindergarten teachers, Dianne Nyhuis, whom owns a couple horses in the area had frequently been offering to have Brayden come see her beautiful animals. I knew this was exactly the type of activity that would be therapeutic for Brayden after his mom died.

The week following the 4th of July, Dianne so generously arranged for Brayden, Tammy, and myself to go on a horseback ride. This was no casual gesture on Dianne's part. In fact, the lengths to which she went for Brayden were extraordinary. You see, Dianne owns TWO horses - one is her daughter's horse and the other is her own - and they were both planning on joining us for the ride. Those of you doing the math will conclude we were three horses short. However, Dianne reached out to her good friend at the stables, Pam, and together arranged for us to ride the horses of other members at the stable. Once again, a good friend extended her reach simply to help us adjust to our new life. I was and continue to be profoundly thankful and humbled by her gesture of kindness.

As we rode to the stable early on a Sunday morning, Brayden could not hold back his excitement. He proudly wore his Junior Ranger hat (acquired during our 2008 summer road trip). He babbled in long run-on sentences (those with young kids know exactly what I mean) about how he is a good horseback rider and what will his horse look like and what will his horse be named and he wonders if it will like carrots and he knows how to turn a horse and... Luckily the stable was only a ten minute drive from our home. The moment we arrived, Brayden was out the door and ready to meet his mount.

First we were introduced to Beau - the horse Brayden would ride. Brayden quickly endeared himself to Beau by providing him with a bucket of oats as he brushed his sleek dark coat.

Next came Latti - a smaller horse suitable for Tammy to ride who would later prove to have a sweet tooth for bright orange flowers.

Then came my horse, Indy. Indy was not a big horse. No, Indy was HUGE. Had he been constructed of wood, I would have been certain Indy was the reincarnation of the Trojan Horse, complete with a compliment of Trojan soldiers craftily hidden inside.



After exchanging some pleasantries with our mounts (pleasantries consisting of carrots and brushes), we took to the trail, the new version of the Three Muskateers, Brayden, Tammy, and Scott, cautiously escorted by our fabulous guides, Pam, Dianne, and Tara (Dianne's daughter). We sauntered along a dirt road before breaking off into the wilderness (ok..an open space trail in a flat field surrounded by some farms and apartment complex).



Indy clearly knew who was the boss as I expertly kept him on task and focused on our mission. However, Beau and Latti had a hunch they could get away with a few "snack breaks", consisting of flowers and alfalfa along the side of the trail. Brayden quickly learned the command "Walk On" as he pulled his mount away from the snack bar. However, Tammy was content to allow Latti taking a few extra flowers for the trip. I suppose it is to be expected for a girl to want more flowers.

The morning was fabulous. The weather, while it can be in the upper 90's this time of year, was mild and slightly overcast. Perhaps Tracell put a little blanket over the sun it from scorching us during our ride. With all the flowers in full bloom, you can imagine all of the butterflies escorting us along the way. Brayden pulled up next to me and mentioned that mommy was watching him ride Beau.

At one point, Pam lead us into the shallow waters of a lake and our horses gleefully kicked their legs in the water, creating a tsunami of water splashing all around us. For the first time since June 3rd, I saw Brayden laugh with pure and absolute joy, his heart far removed from its heavy burden. He was happy.



Along the ride, Dianne and I had the opportunity to talk about Brayden's ordeal. She and her co-teacher in Brayden's K-Care class had been so supportive since we first met them two years ago. When I told her how thankful I was for her arranging this ride, she responded, "I have never done anything like this for another student. That should let you know how special I think Brayden is.". A smile spread across my heart.

As we headed home, Brayden's mount, Beau, was eager to hasten our return. Suddenly, Beau began to trot as Brayden's tiny body bounced up and down in his saddle. It was a moment of discovery for Brayden. It was the first time Brayden had been on a horse trotting. Brayden quickly pulled back on the reigns and Beau returned to his leisurely stroll through the field of flowers. However, Brayden was hooked on trotting. He exclaimed, "Daddy, have you ever trotted on a horse before? I bet you can't trot like I just did...". So I rose to the challenge and brought my Trojan Horse to a trot and pulled past Brayden. Not to be outdone, Beau broke into a trot and pulled past Indy. Suddenly trotting had become a competition.

As Brayden trotted past me yet again, he shouted out, "Look at me!!!". The smile on his face was priceless. At that moment, I lost all interest in the competition. At that moment, I suddenly realized that we had taken another step forward in our developing life together. At that moment, I realized that first we were born, then we learned to crawl, then we learned to walk, and now, a month and a half after Tracell died, with our beautiful butterfly floating by our side, Brayden and I were Learning to Trot.